


Useless

by Lucyverse



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, M/M, OOC, Pining, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-26 04:53:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9863729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucyverse/pseuds/Lucyverse
Summary: After Matsuda's blunder with the Yotsuba Group, his self-esteem hits rock bottom and he fears that Ryuzaki now hates him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> UPDATE: God, I always CRINGE when I come back to this story, but so many people actually like it and that means a lot to me ^.^ Thank you so much for the comments and kudos!

After his run-in with the Yotsuba Group, Matsuda had naturally anticipated chastisment from the rest of the task force for his reckless behaviour; he had, after all, almost jeopardised the entire investigation and nearly got himself killed in the process, so there was no question in his mind that Chief Yagami would be chewing him out as soon as they returned to HQ. And that’s exactly what happened. No surprises there.

What he _hadn’t_ anticipated was the majority of the task force giving him the cold shoulder for days afterwards; Mogi and Aizawa wouldn’t even speak to him – and when they did, their answers were short and curt, as if he was an irritating child asking too many questions.

The chief wasn’t quite as aloof with the young man, but his entire demeanour reeked of disapproval whenever Matsuda so much as glanced in his direction, and he made a point of keeping a very close eye on the boy until he was certain he could be trusted not to cause any more trouble.

Matsuda could handle the usual insults. But being publicly shunned like this was more than he could bear. He hated sitting there, listening to all the conversation around him and knowing that he couldn’t be a part of it; even Ryuzaki, who never really said much to anybody aside from Light, seemed to be making a point of refusing to acknowledge his existence – even politely declining Matsuda’s offer to retrieve some cake from the kitchen and asking Watari to fetch it instead.

He knew that he often exasperated Ryuzaki with his idiocy; but the thought of the young detective actually _hating_ him made him feel physically sick. He had never been so desperate to make a good impression in his life but every time he tried to make a useful contribution to the case, it always backfired. And now this…

After what he had done, Ryuzaki would hate him forever now.   

A week after the Yotsuba catastrophe, Matsuda walked into the task force headquarters and prepared himself for another day of being ignored.

He contemplated drifting towards Ryuzaki and attempting to coax him into conversation. But the detective was busy staring intently at some very obscure security footage on the couch, Watari on standby with his usual ensemble of candy. Matsuda was doubtful that he would appreciate being disturbed.

He mulled about the coffee machine instead, in case Ryuzaki requested a cup (though he would likely ask Watari to get it instead, seeing as Matsuda was simply a thorn in his side now.) Matsuda slumped against the wall in defeat, wishing he had the courage to go up to Ryuzaki and beg his forgiveness. To tell him everything he had only been able to scribble down on paper so far, confessions that were promptly screwed up into a ball and tossed into a trash bin soon after being written.

But he couldn’t. The whole thing was ridiculous; Ryuzaki was probably one of the smartest people in the world and Matsuda couldn’t even remember to tie his shoelaces at times. The mere contemplation of his affections being returned was laughable.

He thought about the wild, complex universe that was Ryuzaki’s mind. He wondered and he yearned to join him; he yearned for even a fraction of L’s intelligence. But instead he would always just be Matsuda. A pathetic, useless idiot who was of no use to anyone, least of all someone as gifted as Ryuzaki.  

‘Matsuda?’

Chief Yagami’s voice brought him back to life, but only just. He stared at the man as if he had two heads, so absorbed in his thoughts about Ryuzaki that he had forgotten anyone else existed.

‘Matsuda, I need you to file these reports for…Matsuda, are you listening to me?’

Matsuda still couldn’t bring himself to reply; his face felt hot and his shoulders went tense as he fought to keep all his anger and humiliation from boiling over into hysteria. Ryuzaki was chewing on the tip of his thumb like a curious child, eyes still drilling into the screen, never blinking. There was something blissfully oblivious about his expression, something that drove Matsuda crazy.

Without any sort of provocation, the young police officer turned around and furiously punched the wall, crying out as the skin split on his knuckles and the back of his hand quickly became a bloody mess. He would have gone for another punch, worn his skin to the bone, but the chief had already rushed forward and seized him from behind before he broke his hand altogether.

‘Matsuda, get a hold of yourself!’ Mr Yagami’s voice was loud and sharp in his ear but the boy kept struggling like a trapped animal, ‘stop it! Have you gone mad?!’

Pulling himself free, Matsuda staggered a few paces back, realising he now had the attention of the entire task force; including Ryuzaki, who had turned away from the surveillance footage and was now staring at him with those huge black eyes, head cocked to the side like a curious puppy.

Matsuda couldn’t stand the silence. Nobody had said a word but he knew what they were all thinking.

_Matsuda, you idiot…_

He clutched his injured knuckles and whimpered, 'I’m sorry.’

‘You don’t need to apologise, Matsuda. I just don’t understand what possessed you to do such a stupid thing,’ replied the chief and for a moment, Matsuda thought he was talking about the incident with the Yotsuba Group; once he realised Mr. Yagami was referring to his bleeding knuckles, he carefully brought them up to his mouth to suck at the wounds, ‘has something happened?’

Matsuda could hardly believe what he was hearing. He had the utmost respect for Light’s father but he couldn’t understand how such a respectable man could ask such a ridiculous question. The entire task force had been treating him like a ghost for seven days and the chief was asking if “something happened”?

He bit down hard on his tongue to resist a scream.

‘I’m sorry.’ Was all he could say. He wasn’t even talking about the wall or his hand anymore. He was looking over at Ryuzaki, eyes filling with tears, ‘I’m so, _so_ sorry.’

L had taken his thumb out of his mouth and was peering at Matsuda with an expression that could only be described as empathetic. Empathy wasn’t something that graced the detective often (or at all, according to Light,) and Matsuda wasn’t always quick to catch onto people’s emotions – but right then, he knew that Ryuzaki was the only person in the room who understood what he was trying to say.

Then, out of nowhere, Matsuda let out a deep, heavy sob.

The tears that had gathered in his eyes now fell freely down each cheek and he covered his mouth to try and stifle his wails of despair as he approached the man perched on the couch and fell on all fours to kneel before him, head bowed in shame, ‘I’m so, so sorry Ryuzaki! I-I should never have done such a stupid, reckless thing and put you all at risk. I’m so ashamed of myself and if you want me off the investigation, I wouldn’t blame you – but please don’t hate me, please! You can punish me however you want! You can lock me up or beat me, just please forgive me, Ryuzaki, _please_!’

L's porcelain white cheeks suddenly filled with colour as he looked down at the man in front of him. From the desk nearby, Light frowned at the jangling of the chain between them, as the detective re-positioned himself into a proper sitting position (rather begrudgingly,) reached down a hand and carefully caught Matsuda's chin between his thumb and forefinger so he could tilt his head up and look into his teary eyes.

‘While your actions were both dangerous and moronic, I do not hate you, Matsuda-san. I also forgive you; there's little benefit in harbouring a grudge after all. And you have shown me that you acknowledge your mistakes and are doing your best to redeem yourself. Therefore, I have no logical reason to dismiss you from this case.’

Matsuda sniffed, wiping his eyes with the back of his sleeve, gasping for air, ‘th-thank you, Ryuzaki. I just…I’m sorry I’m so useless. I know I’m an idiot and I promise I’ll try to be better. I promise…’

He cut off with another sob and buried his face in L's lap, not even caring if the detective kicked him into another dimension with his lightning reflexes. A kick never came; Ryuzaki shifted awkwardly, uncomfortable with the physical contact, but eventually reached down and rubbed a gentle hand against the older man’s back as he wept.

Comforting people wasn’t among L’s many talents. He knew how to handle children well enough — he had plenty of practice in Wammy’s House, whenever Matt, Mello or Near were suffering from night terrors or just needed someone safe and warm to cuddle up to -- but Matsuda Touta was hardly a small child.

In the background, Light’s frown deepened as L’s free hand travelled up to stroke Matsuda’s hair, the tip of his biro exploding as he pressed it down too hard in frustration.   

‘I’ll be better, Ryuzaki,’ Matsuda was unable to control himself; he sobbed as if his life depended on it, arms clinging to the skinny frame of the detective, ‘I promise I’ll be better, I promise, I _promise_.’

Ryuzaki never answered him; he remained there, feeling his deductive skills decrease rapidly as he allowed Matsuda to cry into the material of his jeans, until the older man finally managed to catch his breath and his sobs quietened down to tiny sniffles.

‘I just want to be useful,’ Matsuda whispered, nuzzling his face against Ryuzaki’s knee, ‘I just want to help.’

‘You can help by not endangering your own life again,’ was L's firm reply, though his hand continued to stroke the man's back tenderly, ‘I might not be so understanding if this happens again. But for now, I think Matsuda-san has worn himself out; perhaps you would benefit from some rest?’

Matsuda shook his head determinedly, ‘I won’t do any good if I’m resting. I’m not going to be dead weight anymore, I swear.’

‘It was merely a suggestion, Matsuda-san. But if you wish to remain, I will need your complete concentration, do you understand?’

‘Yes, Ryuzaki, sir.’

‘It is important that you focus,’ L soothed, finding that despite his lack of experience, he was unusually good at this, ‘Matsuda-san, if I die before this case is solved--’

‘ _No!_ ’ Matsuda almost burst into tears all over again, arms now flinging around Ryuzaki’s neck and holding on for dear life. The thought of L dying was more painful than his bleeding hand.

The rest of the task force stared at them, dismayed by Matsuda’s pain, and slightly shocked that he hadn’t been catapulted to the other side of the room by now. Light seemed ready to start crying too, though it was probably due to his arm being painfully stretched by the handcuffs.

‘Matsuda…’ murmured Ryuzaki into the flushed ear of the man in his arms, ‘ _if_ I die, I will need you to forget me and put the investigation first. Can you do that for me, Matsuda-san?’

Matsuda pulled back to stare at him, the skin of his face hot and sore, ‘forget _you,_ Ryuzaki? Impossible.’

Aizawa finally intervened by moving forward to bandage up Matsuda’s battered hand, muttering something about how the day couldn’t get any crazier after everything he had witnessed that morning. And though he was slightly embarrassed at having a mental breakdown in front of all his colleagues, Matsuda could only concentrate on the relief he felt with the knowledge that Ryuzaki didn’t hate him.

That Ryuzaki had …

‘W-why did you let me do that, Ryuzaki?’ he asked nervously once everyone had returned to their duties and the strange detective went back to staring at the forgotten security footage, ‘I mean, you let me hold you even though you hate being touched. I don’t understand.’

‘It helped,’ Ryuzaki replied, eyes still glued to the screen, ‘Matsuda-san should consider himself blessed; very rarely do I let anyone get so close to me and if I do, it’s usually because that someone is particularly special.’

Something warm and slightly wet was suddenly pressed against L's cheek and it was only when the feeling disappeared that he realised Matsuda had kissed him.

It was different from the affectionate pecks Miss Amane gave him. Or the mischevious kisses Light-kun scattered across his neck when he was trying to coax the detective into his bed. L rubbed the spot where Matsuda’s mouth had made contact and paused to assess the situation.

‘Correct me if I am wrong, Matsuda-san; but I’m about 90% certain that you have been planning that for a while now,’ and before the flustered police officer could reply, L had leaned across and gently kissed him on the lips, ‘and I am 100% certain that you have been wanting to do _that_ as well.’

All that could be heard in the room at that moment was the sound of Light Yagami’s pen snapping in half.  


End file.
